Damn it.  I could go out with so many people but I just don’t have the desire to go out. I do not want to do the whole dating thing. Is it me?? Am I still waiting on him?? You know I tell myself I’m not. I tell myself that I am just too screwed up to date right now. Too confused to drag anyone into my life. What if thats not it though?? What if I am waiting on him??  What if I am waiting and when he comes home, it’s still not there?? Then what??

I do not want to hurt again. But I already am.  I do not want to love again. But I already do.  I don’t want to feel again. But I can’t stop the feelings that have already started, and grown so deep.

What the hell is wrong with me lately?? 

Do you know how much it hurts when I think of you?? Do you have any idea how many times a day you cross my mind?? Thoughts of of you fill my head continually and yet I know I rarely cross yours. I know I did this to myself. I let myself care too much, fall too hard, and get in way over my head. That was my mistake. You told me so many times to give you a chance and I did. Sometimes you just have to face your mistakes and move on. I could do that alot easier if you weren’t everything I have wanted for so long. The way your eyes dance when you smile, the way your hands felt on my skin, the way your voice sounded when you said my name while we were alone together.  All the times you have made me laugh and smile, when I didn’t really feel like smiling. The way I could talk to you for hours on end about nothing at all. God you don’t know how much I miss that. You also don’t know how many nights I have cried myself to sleep thinking of you. I would have waited on you. Damn it, why can’t you see that! I would have waited if I would have only thought it was what you wanted. I know it’s not though.  I am not what you need, not what you want, and not enough for you. And thats Ok. I hope you do find happiness out there somewhere, even though it won’t be with me. I just hope you find someone that completes you, that makes you smile, that loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone that is strong enough to see past your strong will and yet caring enough to never break your spirit. You will always have a place in my heart and I will always have the memories of the time we spent together. I really did love you. And I know deep down you loved me the only way you knew how, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

Goodbye my almost lover.

So here’s the scoop all. I got into school, I have given up on relationships, I have totaled my truck, I have had my email hijacked and had some very revealing pics broadcast to the world. WOW its been something!!

Lets start with School. I have decided to take my happy little ass back to school and finish what I should have done a long time ago. It will be hard but anything that is worth having is worth working for, right?? I THINK SO!! So in just two short years I will be a Licensed Practical Nurse with an Associates Degree in Mental Health, YAY FOR RANNA.

Next let’s move onto relationships. I’m done! I can’t take it anymore. It seems like every damn guy I date is either a complete psycho or wants to get serious in the first two dates. What ever happen to dating? Did I miss the news broadcast in which they announced that there is no longer any such thing as just dating someone?? Seems as though I have. So I have just decided that as of now I am not ready for a relationship of any kind. Maybe one day I will get my issues resolved, but until that day comes, I’m content I guess. Sure it would be nice to be able to go out every now and then and have a good time, but the repercussions of such events just out weigh the fun I would have so I will refrain.

 Moving on….My truck. So I’m sitting still and waiting to make a turn when out of nowhere comes this little guy in a BIG truck, HA Bigger truck than mine, and plows into the back of me. Thank God he had insurance. My poor little truck is still driveable but the insurance company has declared it a total loss, so it looks like Ranna is gonna find something new to drive. It saddens me because I have so loved my little pick up. Its such a part of who I am. :(   And to add to my ire, the little maggot didnt show any remorse, nor did he speak english. Do you know how hard it is to cuss someone effectively when they do not speak the same language you speak??? VERY HARD!! Although I did manage to do so.. HEHEHEHEHE!!!

 Now then email hijackers and naked pics. So I have learned this little lesson. Never EVER keep pics that you have sent to a former lover in your email. If you do, you set yourself up for someone to get into your email and distribute such pics to everyone on your email address book. OOPSIE!!  To any of you who got and read that email, Sorry. And please refrain from commenting on that pose! HAHAHAHAHA!!  I’m still somewhat embaressed and have a new found respect for those in the Celebrity Limelight who have had their pics, tapes, etc broadcast for the world to see. (Ranna Blushes)  Damn Hijackers.

So thats whats been going on here in Rannaland. Much more and Ranna is gonna check herself into the looney bin. I have been so depressed here lately and even though I know I have friends I can turn to, I hate to dump my problems on people.  Just crazy I guess, but thats just me.

 Anyway, Until next time, and as always……………….

Make Your Mark,

Ranna

Sitting here listening to the melodic sound of rain falling on the earth in gentle sheets. Beating out it’s own rhythm against the glass of my window. Slow steady drops increasing in tempo with each gust of a lonely wind. Lightning flashes across the sky. Streaks of brilliant light against a darkened night. Never making the same pattern twice. Rolling thunder adding a husky bass to this symphony of nature.

Lying here in the shadows, I become restless. I don’t know what it is that has me feeling so melancholy. Actually I do, I just hate to admit it. I’m lonely.

Nights like this bring that to the surface. I do so love nights like this, with the exception of the fact that they take my mind back to times when I had someone to share it with. A time when the world was right, if only in my mind.

I am so tired here lately of the ever constant feelings of loneliness. I don’t want to say that I’m not content in being single. I am really, It’s just that nights like this bring out the hopeless romantic in me, and the fear of spending the rest of my life alone.

I know that someday I will surely find what it is that I am seeking, but nights like this one make it hard to realize it takes time.

Do I ask too much of the opposite sex? Place to large an expectation on them? All I really want is someone that is passionate, giving, caring, loyal, attractive, honest, determined, has goals, morals, a sense of humor, stability, and is not a jackass. Really is that too much to ask? I use to not think so, but anymore I don’t know.

I may jokingly say that I am a jackass magnet, but the honesty of the matter is that I truly feel that I am. I just can’t figure out what it is about me that is not worthy of someone who is real. Ahh but someday I have faith that I will find that someone that completes me. Until then I will simply endure the mass array of jackasses that seem to flutter in and out of my life.

Now i have felt sorry for myself in blog. I’m going back to bed.

Goodnight all, and as always

Make your Mark,

Ranna

Ok all my little blog viewers. As promised an out of the ordinary post. Nothing at all to do with my dating misfortunes, no sappy poems, no bitching about the ex, just some weird ass stuff that happened in Rannaland over the weekend…………………….

Ok first off I think we all remember my constant whinings about a particular soldier. The one that I got to spend some time with when he was home on leave?? OK now thats out of the way, here’s the scoop. I’m playing on my myspace page Thursday Night and I notice that there is this one girl on the little soldiers page that is now popping up on all my male friends pages. So i think to myself WTF??  I email one of them and asked him if he knew her. “No Ranna, she just sent me a friend request and an email”. He replies. HMMM?!?!?!  So I asked him what the email said and he told me it was just “Hi how are you?” type  stuff. Well I get home from work on Friday and I’ll be damned if I don’t have a friend request from her. WTF!!!! 

Normally me getting a friend request wouldn’t be so bad. The more the better is my motto, however for some reason unknown to me, all these little fruity head girls on the soldiers page want to send my ass a damn friend request or an email to get the scoop on him. (Ranna is not so foolish to not realize that it is not just to find out information on Soldier Boy, it is to find out what is the nature of the relationship between said Soldier Boy and Ranna. Ranna now smiles at the stupidity of some girls. )  Anyway I digress. I made up my mind that I am tired, VERY VERY TIRED of these little flakey females trying to use me to get the scoop. So I said “Enough of this crap” I sent her an email and ask her what her reason was in sending me a friend request.  Her reply shocked me.

” I noticed your page on Soldier Boys page and asked him about you. He said you guys were friends and that you were cool to hang out with. I just moved here from Florida about a year ago and don’t have very many friends so I thought it couldn’t hurt, but if you say No it’s Ok. I will understand.”   Well damn!! She seemed sincere!!! What is a Ranna to do??? 

I decide to explain to her my reasoning for asking her. So I send her an email back and invite her over to Instant Messenger for  a quick explanation. WELL WELL WELL!!!!  This takes a turn like I never expected!!  I honestly expected to tell her that too often the girls that  are interested in him send me friend requests to get dirt and then add her to the page and be done with her, but that is not what happened.

So we are chatting on IM and I am explaining to her why I was reluctant. I tell her that at one time Soldier Boy and I had what I thought was something but that it didn’t work out. As I am talking with her who IM’s me from out of the blue????   SOLDIER BOY!!  I was surprised to hear from him since I havent in over a damn week!  I told him the story of her sending me the friends request and he asked what we were talking about. I said “just talking in general”.  He told me that he would talk to me in a couple days when he was off work and that he was sorry if he hurt me. I just told him to be safe. Havent heard from him since. I think though his connection may be down, he hasnt been on his myspace page either. So i’m not placing any ill feelings there…OK ! I’m trying not to place any ill feelings there. LOL!

As I chatted with her it struck me how alike we were. We have the same interests in many things (especially guys) and we enjoy alot of the same things in life. We have both been hurt. We have both known loss and rejection, and unfortunately  we both care deeply for the same guy. I didn’t tell her that he and I hooked up while he was home on leave. I couldn’t. She spoke so fondly of him, and was so disappointed that she didn’t get the chance to see him while he was home that I just couldn’t tell her. Is that wrong of me?  I don’t want to ruin something that might make him happy. He is not going to find happiness with me, but if he can find it with her, then I don’t want to ruin that.

And she and I seem to have developed a fast friendship. I will admit that it did hurt at first to hear her talk of him and all the things that he has told her about when he gets home, and how he wants to be with her. I don’t know what possessed me to sit there and listen, but damn if I wasn’t. And then it was like I couldn’t stop myself. LOL!   AHH how I love to torture myself.

Anyways long story short, there is a new friend in Rannaland. Even if she did come from somewhere unexpected. We will welcome her in and treat her as any other friend. If she’s a good one we will consider this a reward for any hurt suffered in a relationship that fate would not allow.

Until next time and as always………

Make Your Mark

Ranna

Ok so here’s the scoop!! I went out with this new guy this weekend, We’ll call him MR.LATE!  So Mr.Late calls on Tuesday and asls me out for Saturday Night.  I say  OK, and we decide that he is going to pick me up at 7p.m. on Saturday. Well we talk off and on all week and I’m really starting to look forward to Saturday Night! 

So Saturday finally rolls around and he text messages me at 8:30 Saturday morning and ask me if we are still on for that night. I send him a text back that says “yes we are and i’m looking forward to it” . Well we text back and fourth for a bit and then all of a sudden around 3p.m. he gets very quite. No text messages, no phone call, nothing!  Well I start getting ready around 5p.m. because it takes awhile to make a Ranna beautiful. The whole time I’m getting ready I’m thinking to myself “boy he sure is quite, he must be getting ready too” . Of course I’m blonde and so it never dawns on me that this is a sign!!!  A huge sign from the dating gods!!!  LIKE NEON SIGN BABY!!!Well 7p.m. rolls around and I’m sitting here waiting like a fool.  7:15 still waiting!!  7:30 my phone rings, it’s MR.LATE!!  He says that his dog had buried his cell phone and he had been looking for it for an hour!!  Would it be ok if  he was a little late!  Well sugar, your already LATE!!  And not just late but late with the stupidest excuse that Ranna has ever heard!!  So I tell him “yea it’s fine, what time are you gonna be here?”  Because by god Ranna is still getting dinner out of this ordeal!!  He say’s 8p.m. I agree and he’s on his way!

So we go to one of the better steak houses here in The Fort, and  I order the best steak on the menu! Teach his ass to be late!!!!  He proceeds to apologize for being so late and even shows me his dirt covered phone. I of course am sitting there wondering how long it took him to get the dirt on his phone to back up his story!  We eat dinner and then go out for a couple of drinks. I am kind of enjoying his company. He’s a really good conversationalist, and his sense of humor is attractive. However he has now branded himself a liar in my book with the whole dog buried my phone story.  Well we are sitting at one of the local pubs talking over our beer, when this girl comes up to me and grabs my ass. I turn around to see who it is and pale at the fact that it is my ex-husbands cousin!  HOLY CRAP!!  I do not want to see my ex’s family while i’m out on a damn date!  She’s the sweetest girl in the world, but she’s a lesbian and i’m almost positive she has a thing for me. We chat for a bit and she pulls up a chair. We spend the rest of the evening sitting there talking to her!  WTF?!?

He finally takes me home and walks me to the door. I tell him I had a nice time and he ask me if he can see me agian. HMMMM Can he see me again?  That is a thought to ponder!! So I tell him to call me. HAHAHAHA!!

Wow buried cell phones, late guys, ex family, and steak!!  I don’t know about you guys, but dating sure aint what it use to be!!

Until the next crazy date and as always

Make Your Mark,\

Ranna

OK the last several post have been about quite whiny. NO MORE!! Ranna has her groove back campers. I have decided that I need to stop looking for it, and just let it find me. In the meantime however, I plan to enjoy myself. I went out with someone last weekend and had an awesome time. Because I let myself.  I have not been allowing myself to enjoy dating, because I’m too busy looking for the ONE!

No longer!! If the one is out there, they will find ME!  I am going to go out and live life. I mean am I not RANNA?  Fun, adventurous, thrill seeking, wise cracking, sexy, crazy  ass RANNA!!!  YES I AM!!!  And it is time for me to take my head out of my ass and start acting like it.

So be prepared for the stories Ladies and Gents. Rannaland is about to take a new twist. I’m going to share my dating adventures with you all. Of course there will still be bouts of sappy poetry posted here and there. BABY STEPS!! HAHAHA!!

So until next time and as ALWAYS!! 

MAKE YOUR MARK!!  I”m off to make mine!!

Ranna

The night is peaceful

The Earth slumbers

The stars shine high

In countless numbers

Peaceful rustling

Of  falling leaves

the fragrance of serenity

on a midnight breeze

Your gentle touch

caressing my skin

feel you pulling me close

as I quietly give in

Your lips on my neck

your hand on my waist

the look of desire

that sweeps over your face

with an unspoken urgency

your kiss overtakes me

I dive head long

into this ecstacy

Whispers of pleasure

fall on my ear

as I feel your hands

run through my hair

our two breaths mingle

legs interwind

an onslaught of sensation

takes over my mind

taking me higher

until I crest love’s peak

I lay next to you sated

My body is weak

As I drift off to sleep

the world is right

for I am wrapped in your arms

On this peaceful night

Well what a weekend it was here in Rannaland. I swear it makes me anxious to go back to my job counseling the mentally challenged patients at work. UGH!! At least those people can openly admit that they have a problem.

I went on the blind date from HELL Friday Night. He was the type of person that is just so boring, it makes you want to poke your eyes out with a dull spoon, just to create some action. :)  Gosh that was a harsh analogy, and yet so close to the TRUTH! LOL

He didn’t talk hardly at all. When he did it was only to make some clingy comment such as calling me his girlfriend. YEA NO!!!  We have only ever been out the one time. SLOW DOWN THERE SPARKY!!  Then he decided to try and get handsy on me. Boy does he have alot to learn about dating a crazy woman like me. God love him.

Saturday wasn’t much better, we aren’t going to get into details here, but it left me depressed and sad all weekend.  I still have it on my mind, which would be the reason behind the poem I posted today. I’m so damn whiny when I get hurt.

Which leads me to the title of this particular post. Why is it that I just can not NOT give a damn?  Why do I have to care about people? Why can’t I just say “You know what, you hurt me deeply and now JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!” ?  Why can’t I just separate myself from the hurt and move on and never ever look back?

Now don’t get me wrong, I can walk away, but I still care. DEEPLY CARE!  Why is that? Does it ever stop?  Hell I still care about my ex-husband, even after everything that happened with us.  Am I warped? Do I just enjoy the heartache? I don’t think I do.

I would love for this particular situation to work, but I can’t make it happen by myself. And the sad part is, I think we would be very good together, but you can’t make a person want you.  He’s going to have to figure out on his own what he want’s. I do want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me.  For us I feel like it’s too late, the hurt is already there, and I just don’t have the fight in anymore.  It’s not that I don’t feel like he’s worth it, I DO.  It’s just that I have hurt so much, and the fact that I’m hurting again just goes to show me that he has that kind of control over my emotions. THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!

This really is my fault. I should have never let my emotions get involved. I said I wouldn’t and I did and that is my fault. Of course he could have handled ending it better, but I should have stayed distant the minute I started feeling anything at all for him.  Do you think maybe one of these days I will learn that? 

Until Next Time and as always………………….

Make Your Mark

Ranna

Do you know how much it hurts

For me to say goodbye

Do you know how many tears

How many sleepless nights

Do you know how deeply I cared

But I have to walk away

I’m only hurting us both

If I choose to stay

I don’t have the fight in me

To continue to not know

I wish it didn’t have to end like this

I wish your emotions showed

But your silence speaks louder

than words ever could

And it really is a shame

It could have been so good

I just can’t wait forever

On a love that isn’t there

Waiting and hoping

That you would show me you care

There are so many things about you

That I am going to miss

But it’s not fair to either of us

To continue on like this

You will have a place in my heart

Forever through out time

I just needed you to hear that

Before I said Goodbye